That time I may transcend

iblamethesea @ 2009-12-30T17:22:00

2009-12-31T01:22:38Z

The decade has changed us. We ride the subway like zombies, staring into space while our earplugs sing us songs we know by heart. Back home, back online, we flip through the avatars of people we have not seen in years, if ever. In text messages, in status updates, we pretend to be profound, represent our emptiness as brevity and wit, all of us chasing that high of recognition, all of us wanting our cut, our spot in the culture, our drug.

I have been grounded by fear. Any one of us could be the terrorist. And though we fight against the extremes of opinion and tactics, isn’t it delicious how the mainstream, the everyday commute, the engineered food and plastic computer are killing us? It is a quicksand, to struggle against it just swallows us faster.

All I want today is to turn the noise off, sink into a couch and play music neither of us has ever heard. I want to consign the cynicism of the world to others, and simply walk with you a while. I want to stay up all night making stories for you and forgetting them. I want a rebellion of the one real friend versus the eight hundred, of the private moment versus the public, of the things loved and forgotten against the clung-to, of the sensed and felt versus the reported.

I want to get to know you through the music you love, the books that have changed you, through your most fleeting and foolish fantasies, and through my own five senses. I want to know the you who has stayed up too late, gotten too drunk, indulged in too many daydreams out loud, and is not worried about how he comes off. When the end comes, I promise I will not care exactly where we all went wrong.

iblamethesea @ 2009-12-02T01:48:00

2009-12-02T09:48:16Z

Where the hell am I? And why don't I care?

I have wanted nothing more than to be enough for everyone, and I've assumed the position regrettably. It only fuels the disappointment I carry in me towards people in general. I feel this especially when you discard my words and go back to whomever, whatever.

I let everyone back in as they wish. As of late it seems everyone is crossing the line again, and this will be for the last time, because I said so. Some stay (but I am forever guarded), others must go. Calls answered, calls denied, sent to an automated message. I show no emotion.

I am being pushed into these circumstances, don't you see? I am pulled in and then so quickly let down without reasoning. I am led on. You show concern when it is too late. It's always too late. It is my fault for encouraging your behaviors, for accepting you even with my doubts (which I have always put aside). I have kept quiet, tried to understand, found the strength to forgive them all and coexist, what more can I do?

I'm just so fucking tired.

iblamethesea @ 2009-11-25T02:19:00

2009-11-25T10:19:42Z

All it takes is the shyness of your smile. What is it? When we talk, everything is straightforward, clean. I like laughing with you. There are butterflies in my tummy. How cliche, and not exactly right... What is it? I look at you, and have to look away, and look back again. I feel shy with you, and not shy at all at the same time.

So... I've been putting all this energy out, even if it's just in letters that you will never see. It makes me reluctant to crush on you now, talk about possibilities, indulge fantasies. So I'm not going to tell you what we could be, cause I don't know what we could be. BUT: there is the crackle of electricity, the moment of contact coming nearer and nearer, the absolute excitement of you right now. Wow. How do you feel?

iblamethesea @ 2009-11-10T16:15:00

2009-11-11T00:16:20Z

Often I find people annoyed with my spontaneity. No one ever wants to get up and go somewhere awesome at the drop of a hat, no one ever wants to do something crazy just because we can, and no one ever wants to go on adventures unless they are planned a week in advance.

My roommates sure did enjoy my spontaneity when I asked them to shave my hair this weekend, though. Of course, that didn't involve them shaving THEIR hair. But regardless, I decided I wanted to shave my head on a whim, so I bought clippers and had my roommate shave me a mohawk. I can't wait to see the looks on my family members' faces when I walk in the door on Thanksgiving with no hair. :D

iblamethesea @ 2009-10-23T11:10:00

2009-10-23T18:17:52Z

At some point this week, my credit card fell out of my pocket. I didn't even know I lost it until yesterday when some guy messaged me on Facebook telling me he had it. I can't believe he returned it to me instead of going on a shopping spree... Then again, he did hang around awkwardly for a while and tried to ask me what I was doing later, and when I left he literally bowed to me haha. Just another day in the life...

iblamethesea @ 2009-10-13T19:35:00

2009-10-14T02:41:10Z

When I was in high school, someone from the yearbook came up and asked me if I would still be friends with my high school friends when I leave. My response was something along the lines of "I'll probably only be friends with four or so people, because they're the only ones I'll make an effort to keep in touch with." But as it turns out, I rarely talk to anyone from home anymore. I didn't really realize it until Crystal decided she was going to go home for Richmond's birthday. I wanted to go with her, but then I realized, who do I have to go home to? I don't talk to anyone from San Clemente anymore. I'm that person that makes an appearance at parties once or twice a year and then disappears again. It's almost easier that way. Home just isn't home anymore. My home is here with these weirdos and our unlikely bond. I'm not sure if this is depressing or not.

iblamethesea @ 2009-06-29T16:34:00

2009-06-29T23:39:44Z

Hey beautiful,

When you look at me and your eyes go all soft like that, I am impossibly happy, even as I am embarrassed for you. You are something so good to me, and it's been a long time since I've been able to say that.

A fantasy, you and me, growing old together, happy, rich, beautiful. There would be trees in our future, and dancing, holding hands walking down the street, good food, passion, exhaustion, comfort, bliss.

And I will fuck all that up before it even has a chance to start. Because I am a wreck and you are not who I want and I can't get over my guilt, even as I continue to barrel through, fucking you up too. Can I tell you how sorry I am? You told me that you think life is fundamentally unhappy, love fundamentally unhappy, and I want to shake your shoulders and grab your hand and run and run till we collapse and the streetlights loom larger and brighter than the stars on some street somewhere in Brooklyn.

I'm sorry. Your expectations allow me to treat you badly, worse than I think anyone should be treated. I'm like that sometimes too. I hope you know that I love you, that this is real, however fleeting, that I am happier with you than with him, or him, even if we are doomed to fail. And I'm smiling even as I write that. So let me in, to disappear for an afternoon, light fading, part of something safe and beautiful.

Sometimes I feel like everything is waking up from a dream.

iblamethesea @ 2009-05-26T15:54:00

2009-05-26T22:56:12Z

I didn't submit this secret, but I may as well have.

iblamethesea @ 2009-04-14T22:37:00

2009-04-15T05:39:17Z

Breaking open my new 24-pack of Cup Noodles and reading a magazine. Ahhh, the luxuries of dorm life...

One of these days I swear I'll write about how my life has gone uphill since I graduated from high school. But for now, this is Megan signing off...

iblamethesea @ 2009-03-22T02:43:00

2009-03-22T09:45:03Z

I'm drunk and alone. Life just keeps getting better, doesn't it?

That concludes this week's installment of How My Life Has Gone Downhill Since I've Graduated High School.

iblamethesea @ 2009-03-16T00:28:00

2009-03-16T07:34:33Z

I drank some coffee around 8 or 9, so unfortunately I'll be up pretty late tonight. I've been cramming for finals this entire weekend. On Saturday, I had a 6 hour streak (I didn't even bathroom break), went to dinner, and then had another 3 hour streak. Needless to say, I burned myself out and retained virtually no information. Good times!

That about wraps up this week's edition of How My Life Has Gone Downhill Since I've Graduated High School.

The Equation

2009-03-11T03:21:04Z

My amount of friends is directly proportional to my ability to keep my mouth shut.

iblamethesea @ 2009-02-18T21:11:00

2009-02-19T05:18:55Z

Going home last weekend was fun. The weekend was entirely too short, but still good.

It was the first Valentine's Day in probably 5 years that I've been single, but I didn't cry. It's a start.

To tell you the truth, I'm kind of excited about next quarter. I'm looking at taking classes, each with professors with great ratings. Hopefully I get into them all.

I'll be moving out of the apartment into a dorm, which I have mixed feelings about. Moving away from my roommates will be good, but I will miss one or two of them. Moving in with people who have already been together for 2 quarters and will be saying to themselves, "Who's this bitch?" will not be great. But it will be good for me.

Also my roommate took our toaster home (the one appliance I use every day) and her mother called me dirty. I'm probably going to slaughter them.

Life Update

2009-01-22T00:12:38Z

It's the third week of the quarter at UC Santa Cruz. It's cold and rainy outside, as it will be for the next week. Classes are dull, what's the point in going? I could just stay in bed all day, cozy and warm, listening to M. Ward and drinking hot chocolate.

This wasn't much of a life update. Oh well.

iblamethesea @ 2008-12-14T00:24:00

2008-12-14T08:40:36Z

So what if I don't want to drink with you? So what if I don't want to smoke your pot, drop your acid, shoot up your heroin? Does that really make me less of a person? Less of a friend? Call me naive. Call me inexperienced, immature, innocent. But if I'm happy with the life I've chosen to lead, why is it necessary for you to criticize? Why am I obligated to justify my actions in your presence? I don't question you about your lifestyle, it's none of my business anyhow. Sometimes I just wish you guys wouldn't be so hard on me for being true to myself. That's all.

iblamethesea @ 2008-11-21T21:54:00

2008-11-22T05:58:11Z

APATHY

iblamethesea @ 2008-10-24T16:54:00

2008-10-24T23:59:29Z

Sometimes having roommates can be annoying, but for the most part it's entertaining. One stumbled in drunk last night with a girl, which isn't the funny part. Then he walked out of the bedroom into the bathroom naked, leaving the rest of us on the couch stunned. (Still not the funny part...) The funny part was when the girl came out of the room and stopped at the front door and asked us, "What was his name again?"

Classic.

iblamethesea @ 2008-10-14T12:50:00

2008-10-14T20:08:57Z

I'm sorry I always told you to 'be happy' when I should have just said, 'think positive.'

I guess the real point has always been making myself happy above everyone else; How can you begin to love another person without first understanding who you are, and then, who you are not? People look for meaning and for signs and guidance. I don't want to look- I just want to be happy in this lifetime. College is a strange and wonderful thing to me. It forces people to grow up and move on and to forget about the people who once held them so close through everything. I'm sorry, okay?

When I was with you, I used to think that love was the point and I guess that was because I was happy, but I guess now I have learned the hard way that you can love someone and they don't stand a chance at making you happy because first, they must be happy. I never felt as if I made you happy, and that was because you were physically incapable of making yourself happy. And in the end, everything you say is just words. And while words are nice to hear, they really mean nothing. People either forget what you say or were never really paying attention to begin with, and all it is is pain; I was just talking to deaf ears. The end.

On the one hand, it means that you can say whatever you want to someone and they will forgive you because words don't last forever. These days it seems like nothing does. Promises are made to be broken and words are used merely to pass the time, rarely ever said with conviction and rarely meant. On the other hand, it's almost sad because you can never trust what someone says- it could be fabricated or simply a lie. People do that every moment of the day. Because words come without effort, I can say whatever I want because opening your mouth is the easiest thing to do in the whole universe- no one can deny that. I have found that true love and true emotions are found in action, and that is why true emotions are few and far between and no one wonders why.

Hardly anything comes free and even less things are fair, so basically all I can really ask is that at the end of the day, things are worth it, because worth is never described as free and fair. And if there is a reason, it's lost on me. I guess we'll see.

Now every time one of my eyelashes falls out or I see a shooting star or it's 11:11, I just wish for someone else's wish to come true. Because what's left?

iblamethesea @ 2008-10-04T14:25:00

2008-10-04T21:36:31Z

Last night was the first rain. :) I suppose none of you know what that means, so I'll explain- At UCSC there is a tradition that the first rain of the year, everyone runs naked starting at my end of campus and working their way over to Crystal's end. So, indeed, last night around midnight, many of my neighbors and classmates stripped down... (awkward).

In other news, that's about the only interesting thing that's happened. Chris went home for the weekend, so it's a bit dull here. Jessie is out partying with her friends, and Reid is in and out, so it's more or less just Lajoie and I here. It's nice and peaceful :) Reading books, drinking coffee, eating home made cookies, and listening to the rain hit the glass on the bedroom windows. What could be better?

I feel like I've been here for months, but it's only been a few weeks.

iblamethesea @ 2008-09-27T17:35:00

2008-09-28T00:36:00Z

Things I've found in college:

- Happiness
- Awesome friends
- FUTURE HUSBAND

iblamethesea @ 2008-09-17T11:41:00

2008-09-17T18:43:44Z

In all fairness, while i do hate you guys from time to time, you also have many endearing qualities that i'll miss.

Today is my last day here.

iblamethesea @ 2008-09-12T10:58:00

2008-09-12T18:04:09Z

It pisses me off when someone wants to throw me a going away party, and then they help me invite everyone and plan what we're going to do, and then at the last minute tell me that their family is having a BBQ for us that day, but I can't go because WE invited 40 people to the bonfire THAT DAY. And so my friends all get to go to this fucking bbq and I have to wait at the beach ALONE for 8 hours until everyone shows up and then throw a party for MYSELF, when it wasn't my idea in the first place, and I never would have even done this if not for my FRIEND. Fuck you guys. Seriously. I'm so glad to be leaving. RAAAAAAGE!

iblamethesea @ 2008-09-05T23:47:00

2008-09-06T06:48:11Z

I'M FUCKING SICK OF YOU PEOPLE!

Lovesick

2008-09-05T02:08:55Z

I want to meet you without ever planning to meet, sit next to you on the subway and get off at the wrong stop. We’ll change our clothes, buy five dollar outfits and chase cats through alleys, steal the cameras of tourists to take pictures of graffiti, follow them back to their hotels to give the items back. We’ll find a protest and teach an anarchist to sing, set the unwanted dogs at the SPCA free. We’ll ride glass elevators in the financial district and give crayon drawings to vice presidents. We’ll share pies with hipsters and run up stairs until we puke, shower in cold water, in our clothes, and kiss to keep our lips warm. We’ll do the single most honest thing at work to get us fired, live by selling whispers in a gallery. We’ll not know our names for at least a year, and never use words between sunset and sunrise.

iblamethesea @ 2008-08-26T18:25:00

2008-08-27T01:36:55Z

Pensam que não sabe nada
Que tu não pode amar
Dizem que é ver pra crer
Que é inutil explicar

I would like to write more in depth, but it would not be interpreted in the way I intended. I'm just trying to look out for you, but you're making asses of both of us... I'm sorry.

Começa assim com tal tristeza
Termina tudo igual